A Sweet Goodbye.

The bell rang. She ran out to get it. She knew it was him. Without hesitation, her heart beating faster and stronger, butterflies blooming in her stomach, she unlocked the door, and opened it slowly, revealing him little by little in front of her eyes. He went for her to greet her, ready to kiss her, but she turned her cheek. She then joyfully led him inside. He followed her into the room with a bunch of day dreams and expectations of what would be that get together. Finally their first time alone. She was wearing a red dress that accentuated her marked curves, her hair black as the darkest night, was full of life with the curls that fell all the way through her naked back. . Her eyes were bright, concise, bordered by a brown pencil that only exalted the best out of them. Her smile was pure, and every time it slipped, her whole face just glowed in that bronze tone her skin had taken those days.

He didn’t know what to make out of it. He was stunned, paralyzed from the moment he saw her, since after all, she was the type of beauty he had never really liked, yet now he found himself lost in it. He had never figured out what was it that pulled him towards her. He did not know what could be the right move, the right phrase. He simply did not know what to do next in order to impress her. The TV was on, a cop series playing. “It’s one of my favorites.” She quickly said, as she noticed him looking at it. He threw himself on the couch and got comfortable, and watched the show, trying to figure out a little bit more about woman, since she was indeed older than him, which stood before him.

She had looked at him as he had examined the room, as he got himself a nice place to sit, and then lingered wondering what he wanted. Her eyes kept looking away from him, yet her mind was fixed on the guy that sat there. He was dressed nicely, with green shorts and a white T-shirt that fitted him most perfectly. She had him there, with her. But if there was one thing she was awful at, was relationships, and indeed she had no experience when it came to this kind of gatherings. Her previous lovers had all been over three years ago, all quick and forever gone, over a time period she’d rather not remember. After her last mistake, as she used to call them, she had decided to shut herself down from everything that involved romantic relationships. She started to see romance as a waste of time that only resulted in pain and shame. That was until he came in. After him she wondered for a long time what was it that convinced her that she should open those doors again for him, actually, she still does.

Ultimately, she decided to sit by him. But after that, he did not even flinch, and she felt an awkward distance between them. So she put her head on his shoulder, lying on him, trying to instigate a hug or at least the smallest gesture of affection. Nothing. She stayed there and listened to him breathe, as his heart kept beating. A little frustrated, she kissed him on the cheek, near the lips, and not even the motion of his breathing changed towards her. She kept staring at him with her innocent eyes. But deep down she knew nothing would change. She hadn’t felt so lonely in a long time.

It’s not as if he did not feel her attempts to call his attention at all, it’s just that he was lost in his own mind. What was wrong with him? He really wanted this, he wanted her, after all she had always been the only constant woman in his life, the one he always came back to. Yet he couldn’t stop thinking about someone else. Someone who was her total opposite. That other girl who made him laugh with her naïve comments, her immaturity, her blond hair with deep brown eyes that tempted him. He wanted to love the girl beside him, he knew that she would bring the best out of him, but he couldn’t. He kept thinking. How could the girl sitting beside him, compete with that? Did she actually thought about it? Answer is she did, since the very moment she tried to kiss him, and he wouldn’t turn his head. .

As she looked at him fantasize about someone else, she decided that she was done, she had to be. Not only had she given up her time and space for him, not that it mattered that much anyway, but at last, her ego was hurt as badly as it could be. She had given up her pride and put herself on the line trying to take all the steps necessary in order for them to be together, and she got nothing out of it. No matter what she did to get his attention, she could not compete with someone who represented everything that she despised and was not willing to become into. So she just laid there, her head on his chest, thinking, of what could have been and what it was, and in the middle of her thoughts, in the middle of the jagged silence that held them apart, his voice broke through. “It’s time for me to go, I have some things to take care of.” And so she stood, he held her hand, and she led him to the door. “I guess I’ll see you later.” She tried to conclude staring at the floor in a very low tone, and went to open the door, but he grabbed her and pulled her towards him, and kissed her in the lips. Yet it wasn’t the electrifying kiss she had expected, whereas it felt more as part of a routine they shared to get rid of each other easily. Then he opened the door himself and walked away.

All she could do was close the door, lean on it, and then slide to the floor. She felt so vague, so humiliated, yet so infatuated with this kid she could not decipher. Suddenly she felt that everything, all of this, was a mistake. A mistake that, indeed, frustrates her to her core. She now felt soft and vulnerable, which was something she could not conceive. She had let her guard down, and got played. Certainly a risk that we have to take when it comes to love, but that, in fact, she was not ready for.

Yet there was nothing left to do but move on. She found it hard, since everywhere she looked he suddenly appeared, but it had to be done. So without no further inquiries, not speaking to him became a rule, and due to their closeness, her life had to be lived under a banner of avoidance. This worried him, since when they came back to school he found her missing, or if he did see her, she just ran away. He called and asked what was wrong, to which her reply was: “Emm.. Nothing. It´s just that I have been very busy.” But he clearly got the message that she wanted nothing more to do with him. So it was back to when they were both strangers, who merely saw each other only when they were forced to be in the same room, who spoke as little to each other as they could, and who made lives of their own without including the other. That was the new routine.

That was two months ago. Now, they both have separate lives, but still wonder about each other, they still feel everything was left unconcluded. But the one that ponders it the most is her, because she still has so much to tell him, and she still questions whether if he knowing how she felt would make any difference. Today, she is jogging at the park, rethinking about all of the things that had gone down, and once again she tries to convince herself that all of this was for the best. Then she sees him appear. He walks, as if he is about to work out, all alone, focused on his thoughts, without noticing what surrounds him. So she suddenly walks up to him and, without giving him a chance to say a word, says:

“Wait. There's something I have to say. Probably it won’t make a difference but I have to say it anyways. Yes, I have been avoiding you. Yes, I have been ignoring you, insulting you behind your back, and yes, I have definitely shunned you. But it's only because I care. I now care for you, and I hate it. I feel absolutely helpless, and I have to fix it. I have to fix it because I know you don't feel the same, and you don't have to, and even if you did, you are not capable of providing me with what I seek.”

At this point, her eyes are teary and her voice starts to breaks as she keeps on putting out all of these words, which right now, to him, make no sense. He notices a tear rolling through her cheek, and is surprised, he can’t make anything out of this scene, this image that eventually will jar him and remain present in his memory. Yet he doesn’t react. She continues:

“I do wonder numerous times what happened to us, we used to be friends, you were my family, you were my person, and now I can't even have a normal conversation with you. Many times I have thought of this, I have pictured this moment, I have gathered my feelings and thoughts and organized them in a way so that maybe you would be hurt, maybe you would feel guilty, but now by looking at your face it seems to me that I was wrong. Which only proves my latest theory, you don't give a damn. I am just a toy you play with when you're bored, or whenever she knocks you around, or just when you need something to do. And I do know that I am even worse, because I have allowed this to go on and on for months, thinking that I could handle your games when deep down I knew I couldn't. I don't blame you, and I certainly don't hate you, although I wish I did.”

She can not bear to look at him anymore, and now her eyes are fixed on the floor, while her broken voice still tries to finish her statement, with small pauses due to her sobs.

“Because at the end, all I really want is to go back to where we started, to our summer afternoons watching Grey's on your PC and having your grandma's chocolate cake with no one having any ulterior motives. I want you to be my person again, but that can't happen if I keep having feelings for you, so now, I'm backing away, I’m giving you your own space, I’m trying to forget you, so that hopefully, one day, I can be able to meet again with that dear friend that I miss so badly, and by that I mean you.”

All he did was stare at her, straight into her eyes, for he had seen her come undone as she spoke these words. She started turning away, not without looking at him one last time, and then started walking. He still hadn't digested all that he had witnessed, for she, his rock, had not only broken, but also was lost forever with one single move. But from all the things he had done wrong, he did not know which one had hurt her most, and certainly he couldn't say for which one of them he had to apologize for. He kept looking at her as she walked, and then realized that, as she had said, he wasn't guilty of anything, since after all, she was the one who made something out of nothing. It is not as if they were ever together to start with, and a kiss didn't have to mean anything but the desire of some simple and casual physical contact. So he turned the other way, and slowly, but surely, walked away.