Lo divertido del amor y el respeto

Me gusta considerarme una persona observadora y detallista, pues así actuo. Miro a las personas y sus gestos, escucho sus historias, y luego uno los puntos para sacar, más que conclusiones, patrones genéricos de comportamiento. Ultimamente he notado algo muy interesante,  y es como nosotros los seres humanos hablamos de como no hay vida sin amor, cuando lo que más buscamos no es el amor, sino el respeto. Nos preocupa más un acto de sumisión de parte de otros que una genuina muestra de cariño. Y al final, cuando ya no quedan ni las cenizas de aquellos fogosos romances donde se jura el supuesto amor eterno, lo que nos duele no es el final, es que nos falten el respeto. Nos duele como nos faltaron el respeto con mentiras anteriores y con descaros presentes, y nos sentimos culpables por nuestros engaños y descaros. Pero más interesante que esto fue la diferencia que noté en mí al entender esto. Como he dicho antes, es la ira y no el interés el principal motor de mis acciones, así como antes lo eran la indiferencia y la comodidad. Ciertamente mi esquema de valores ha cambiado, pero lo más peligroso es que disfruto cada pequeño paso en lo que muchos denominan mi autodestrucción, aunque yo lo denomino autodescubrimiento. Conocer y contactar tantas facetas de mi persona era lo que me hacía falta para finalmente como mujer.

A moment of fiction.

It’s been over a year since I last saw you but I still miss you as if it was the first day. I can feel your arms around me under the Spanish skyline, the one only the two of us met sitting on the peer. Those old conversations we had are all I can hold on to these days. Your voice keeps me calm even on my hardest breakdowns, and with my last cigarette all that was in my mind was you. Your hugs. Your kisses as I imagined them even though they never came true. It’s sad that a thing so real like ours had to be sacrificed for commitments that in my life, ended up to be meaningless. Forgive me for putting someone else’s feelings over yours. But still, in spite of all, we both know what we had was real. I will be forever grateful to you for waking me up from my own reality and teaching me how to live life to the fullest. Before you I thought that being right and appropriate would lead me to success, but you proved me otherwise. You were right about everything, me holding on to things and people that are worth nothing. It only took you seconds of me telling you about them to realize what has taken me months to learn. I made the wrong choice once, but I won’t do it again. Hopefully we will have another chance soon, this time with no one else involved in between. In the meantime, I will hold on to the memory of your arms around me, to your voice whispering in my ear what we both felt as the summer breeze refreshed us, with a bottle of wine, and to what our kisses would have been, had we had that moment of fiction.

Keep your quest alive

They say it’s the thrill of the chase. It could be. Could be the music traveling through my veins. Or the numbness my heart feels when I’m out. Whatever it is, it feels good, it feels right. I don’t know what I am looking for, but I guess this is what life is about, searching for the unknown. What I keep on finding is mind blowing though, good times, adrenaline, that lack of self control. To many I may not be myself lately, but I feel safer and more comfortable than I have ever felt before. Maybe I am starting to realize the meaning of life. Things are not supposed to be stable, or normal, or accepted. They just have to feel good, you just got to love doing them, whether the consequences are good or not. If it works your way great, if it doesn’t, you gave it all and learned something new. It’s about the stories you get to tell in the future, it’s about making them real. Seize the moment, take action and make a life for yourself. Eventually you will find the right path. At the end of it, what we search for in this quest we may not know, but just make sure to follow your instincts. They are the only thing pure in all that’s been given. Never settle, don’t get lazy, and keep on moving. Keep your quest alive. 

I miss you. It's a truth I can't deny, but I have brought myself to think it's for the best.I remember old moments and somehow I imagine other moments in places, stuations and emotions that I know will no longer be. However, despite the fact that my heart misses you, and that I still want those things, somewhere along the line I have managed to let go. It could be the fact that someone else has stepped up and prooved me that there are people like me out there, that it is possible for me to be with someone who sees life the same way I do. It could be that I have been with someone that has astonished me with his knowledge, despite all of my expectations. Maybe it is the lifestyle I am reliving, full of adrenaline and lacking feelings or thoughts. All I know is that even though I miss you, it hurts a little less every day, I'm reaching the point where I don't feel anything. And even though my heart at times, nd other moments my body, want you, I have convinced myself, even though I might be wrong, that this was for the best because I'm too good for you.

"Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Why not?

What Jean Paul Gaultier has embraced as a fashion policy is to me now a philosophy of life. "Why not?" If after all, everything falls out on its own terms anyways. When doing the right things led me to nothing but pain, I realized it was time to make all the wrong turns. Or, most importantly, to accept all my wrong turns, because I know I am not perfect, and I have been improper on more than one occasion. However, now the time has come for me to make peace with my own self, with all of myself, rather than with that who could be, or is, socially and conceptually accepted. I shall not limit myself anymore by the lines of disappointment, for they say the greatest fear lies not in what I am not capable of, but in what I can actually do. Last year I learned this through a trip I made with the summer breeze. At a new place, with a fresh start, I suddenly became all that I never saw myself being. I cheated, I lied, I deceited, but most importantly, after I did all of the things that were considered doom and had a ball doing them. I do not regret a thing. What I do regret, is coming back pretending that none of those things happen to keep others from getting hurt, which is something I have decided to quit nowadays. Some may call it self-destruction, but I call it self-discovery. I'll embrace that darker me I have once discovered, and from now on, it is that the one who will lead me through these unstable, rocky, lonely years that will eventually pass by and just become memories. But life will not pass me by, and my goal is that when all of this is over, I will have the best stories to make, audacious, bold unimaginable experiences, just like the ones I had last year. From going to a nude river and pole dancing lessons, to having the most romantic kiss ever imagined, to the most tempestuous relationship. Eventually, my life will become my ultimate story. Therefore I have decided that whenever I see myself faced with a decision or a conflict, I'll just ask myself "Why not?" and go for it with my best foot forward, for the best or for the worse, it will be great anyways.